


Beverly Hills Bordel

by kierathefangirl



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Awesome Trio, Bad Touch/Friends Trio, Bordel is Brothel/Whorehouse in French, F/M, France is kind of a jerk, Human AU, I love France this just sort of happened, IT'S 98 PERCENT ANGST 2 PERCENT FLUFF, M/M, Multi, Spain has 3 older brothers, This is so angsty, abuse trigger warning because their families are crap, depression/cutting/suicide attempts/mentions trigger warning, the place is made up & the story obviously I hope this never actually happens to anyone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-11 16:24:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15319440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierathefangirl/pseuds/kierathefangirl
Summary: Lovi works at a bordello/bordel/burdel/brothel/whorehouse to pay for the house, so he can get Feli away from their family (because abuse). Toni accidentally stumbles across him at work, and a few weeks later Lovi shows up at his school. Awkwardness ensues.Note: Seb is in New York, NY being a lawyer and Lovi is too anxious to ask for help, so he's 'making it on his own' (or so he says). Please read the notes...





	1. Drunk AF

**Author's Note:**

> MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING. There's sexual, physical, mental, every kind of abuse that exists basically. Lovi is fifteen at the start of the story & started working at the brothel when he was EIGHT YEARS OLD. His family is sexually & physically & verbally & basically all kinds of abusive, with the exception of his brothers (Feli & Sebastian). Also Lovi is depressed (duh, who wants to work in a place like that?), cutting, mildly suicidal, has attempted suicide in the past, dismissively mentions suicide to people because he's not phased by it. A few others are also depressed/cutting. Also alcohol and underage drinking. Not sure if triggering, but...eh.
> 
> You have been warned.
> 
> Also. Any ideas of where to take this story are welcome! I often get writer's block, and especially if you see I haven't updated in awhile feel free to make suggestions!
> 
> Also, this is in first-person POV. The narrator/main perspective is identified at the top of each chapter, bold-italic, inside two little squiggly lines.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni is hungover and follows the advice of the pretty handwriting he finds on his nightstand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Underage drinking. I don't know if that needs a warning, but I am NOT encouraging underage drinking or underage brothel-fucking. Just saying.
> 
> OH. Also. Cussing warning. I cuss, and the characters cuss all the time. Because, you know, it's South Italy guys. "Suck my ass, you dumb potato eater." is his first line in the anime and the first thing he says to Germany...so he cusses. In both Italian and English, and occasionally in Spanish.
> 
> By the way. The cure Toni mentions for a hangover...I found it in a Sherlock BBC fanfic. I don't know if it works but I'm gonna roll with it because I've never gotten drunk (not old enough) so I don't know for sure if it works.

**_~Toni~_ **

My head is pounding and my whole body aches. I take the advice of the pretty handwriting dropped on my nightstand that tells me to take a cool shower, drink orange juice, take two Advil, and drink water. I don’t know whose advice it is, but it’s better than being useless half the day and making it obvious to my dad what Francis dared Gil and I to do.

It actually works. My head is clearer, the pounding recedes to a dull throb in the back of my skull, and I blearily remember last night’s events. I actually kinda hate Francis right now; poor kid couldn’t’ve known what hit him.

I rub my arms like I’m cold, shivering in discomfort. He didn’t seem to mind, but that’s his job. Even if he did, he would never say so.

There’s a reason I don’t get drunk…or go to whorehouses.


	2. One-Hit Wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few weeks. Lovi is reflecting on that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinks & dismissal of basically rape. You have been warned.

**_~Lovi~_ **

He actually talked to me like I was a person, and he was the most gentle person I’ve ever dealt with. Everyone after him left bruises, bite marks, blood and other things. He didn’t. He spent a quarter of the time just telling me about his life, and I don’t mind listening.

He hasn’t come back. It’s been a few weeks. He’s one of those one-hit wonders; they swing in once, drunk and new, then they’re gone. All the regulars are physically rough and hell to deal with.

If I didn’t do this Feli and I would be homeless, or I would run far away from this place. I’d run to Sebastian or maybe to Mom or Dad and let them make it all better. For now, though, all I can do is tough it out and pretend to be okay.


	3. School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni is at school...when HE arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super awkward (duh). Toni is very people-centric and wants everybody to love him, and he assumes that because of that Lovi could never like him. He's very anxious. I think I'm gonna go with him having social anxiety or some kind of "everyone has to love me or I'm failing" thing going on.
> 
> Matías, very briefly mentioned at the end, will return in later chapters. He's one of Toni's older brothers (the oldest, actually) and they got along. He will bring up the others later on as well. Jesús is the youngest, a priest...they don't get along. Tío Fernández y Abuelo Antonio (Uncle & Grandfather) will also come back up later. Toni is named after them...and trigger warning, because they're abusive assholes.

**_~Toni~_ **

It’s been a few weeks since that night. Francis and I still are hardly on speaking terms, and I haven’t gotten up the courage to tell Dad. Gil told his dad and he’s literally not allowed to talk to Francis anymore, so him and I hangout without him most of the time now. I still see him around at school and he acts all friendly, but I’m too uncomfortable with the consequences of that night to say anything to him.

I collapse in my third period, exhausted and my head still reeling. They told us some new Italian boys transferred to our school today, and I wonder about that. I think the boy said something about being Italian when I told him I was from Spain.

“This is our new student, class,” the teacher says. “His name is Lovino Vargas.”

I peek up. Just my luck; it’s him. He doesn’t look upset or anything: to the contrary, he looks defiant and proud. I’m not sure how, with what he’s been dealing with.

A few kids offer him weak smiles, a couple vague hellos. The teacher, being naïve to my current situation and knowing that generally I’m the most friendly kid in class, tells the new boy to sit with me.

“He doesn’t bite,” she says with a smile. “He’s the best guy to show you the ropes!”

Lovino actually smiles, just a little. I swear he says “No, he doesn’t bite” in response.

I keep my head down. He shrugs, moves across the room, and drops next to me. The teacher turns to begin the lesson, but I’m not breathing enough to pay attention. _Why? Why does this have to happen? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve Francis’ games? What did I do wrong? Does God really hate me like Jesús y Tío Fernández y Abuelo Antonio said?_

He sets his bag down and ignores me. I follow his lead and follow along with the teacher, and I get my work done. I don’t say a word to him.

It’s five minutes to the end of class that he’s done, too. He even stole my notebook to copy down the notes, and he passes it back and drops his stuff in his bag.

I close my eyes and release a slow breath. _Breathe. Panicking isn’t going to help. He probably doesn’t even remember, right? That or he doesn’t care. He didn’t get uncomfortable or anything, he didn’t complain about sitting next to me. He doesn’t know what I’m like when I’m sober. They don’t know why I’m acting weird. Just breathe and act natural._

I breathe, and I manage a weak smile. “Hi.”

He smiles back. So at least I’m starting off on an okay foot, if not a good one. “Ciao.”

I never did tell him my name. I don’t know why. I told him everything else, even the things about Spain like my grandfather and my uncle—things I never, ever talk about.

I offer a hand. “I’m Toni.”

He accepts the hand calmly. “Lovi.”

_So I’ve bypassed the stage where I call him Lovino, I guess. That’s what his bosses called him._

I look away, take in the weird looks from the kids in class who know I normally talk more, and look back to him. I decide to half-bluff. “I, uh, usually talk more. I think they noticed. I’m kinda tired—I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

He laughs quietly. “It’s alright; I don’t usually talk much. I don’t mind a little silence.”

“Yeah,” I agree. It’s getting easier to breathe. He doesn’t hate me!

I reach up to run nervous fingers through my hair. I haven’t even told Gil about him, really. I told him Francis fucked me up, too, but I didn’t give him any details. I still don’t know how to feel about it. But right now, in the classroom, it’s way too quiet to say anything or gauge how he feels about it.

The bell ringing jars me from my thoughts. I jump a little, and he laughs. He gets to his feet, grabs his bag, and slings it on his shoulder. “I’ll, uh…see you around, Toni.”

He brushes past me and presses a paper into my hand. I close my fingers on it and get up, then look. “ _Most people leave bruises. You’re different. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again; it happens. One-hit wonders. Don’t act like that…I’ve had worse. Let it go. Past is in the past. We can start from the beginning. Take it easy. You seem like a decent guy with one hell of a backstory. Just breathe. ~Lovi_ ”

I look up to watch him disappear and shove the paper in my pocket. I guess that tells me how he feels about it, and it makes me feel a bit better.

I grab my bag and swing it over my shoulder. One of the kids asks why I was so quiet, and I shrug and say “Tired.” He agrees, then says I’m never tired. I leave before he can ask any other questions.

Matías called Dad asking about me recently. I haven’t slept since…it’s been four days.


	4. Telling Gil...About HIM.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni explains to Gil what's going on, and is startled half out of his skin by Lovi showing up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gil kind of dismisses what happened because Toni is 'better than the other clients' Lovi deals with. This doesn't comfort Toni, and it shouldn't comfort anyone.

**_~Toni~_ **

I have to tell Gil, now that Lovi’s here. I tell him about Lovi, about feeling like hell, and I show him the note. I tell him Lovi seems okay, but that’s not very comforting considering it’s kinda his job to seem okay. I tell him I’m worried.

“Don’t worry so much,” Gil assures me with a hug. “If he really cared, he wouldn’t’ve written that note he gave you.”

“Hey,” his voice leaps me a few feet off the ground.

I turn around. Lovi is grinning shyly. “You’re easily scared,” he says.

I smile shyly. “Tired,” I apologize breathlessly.

Gil laughs at me. “Uh, who’s this?” he asks.

I sigh and gesture. “This is Lovi. Lovi, this is my friend Gil.”

Gil bows. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Gil!” I protest, smacking his arm.

He laughs. “What, can’t I—”

I wave my hands fast, desperately trying to shut him up. Gil grins at me, not getting the point. “What’s the matter? He’s attractive and he’s clearly pretty chill.”

Lovi blushes, then laughs. “I think he’s just gun-shy.”

I hide my face in my hands. Lovi laughs, and he steps in close to me. He takes one of Gil’s hands. “I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use, but I’ll take it as a compliment.”

Gil grins and clasps his hand briefly. “Hey, man, I couldn’t do that in your place.”

Lovi’s laugh is darker this time, a hint of some emotion I can’t identify betraying his calm. “If it was that or you and your little brother are homeless, what would you do?”

Gil blinks. “I…don’t know.”

Lovi shrugs and lets go of his hand. “Choices, choices.”

He ruffles my hair and heads off down the hall. Gil turns back to me. “What kind of a question is that? If it was that or…?”

“Because that’s what he’s doing,” I tell him. I drop my hands. “Didn’t you understand that? He told me Feli’s his little brother. He’s protecting Feli.”

He blinks a bit. “Oh. That house Feli and Lud keep hanging at…”

“Is bordel money, yeah.”

“Oh.”

I sigh and drop my eyes. Gil draws me in and hugs me. “Hey, he seems okay.”

“Did you hear how his voice changed when he asked that?”

“No, wha’d’you mean?”

I sigh again and hide my eyes in his chest. “Gil, there was something dark there. He’s not as okay as he’s trying to say he is.”

He sighs now, too. I hug him back. “Why does he like me?”

“Because you’re a good person,” Gil points out. “You aren’t cool with what happened. You’re not like his other clients. They don’t care what they do to him; you do.”

“I guess,” I allow.

He massages my back a little and pulls back. “Remember to breathe. You’ll both be okay.”

“Yeah, okay.”

I still haven’t told him about Matías, either. Maybe I will tomorrow…just Lovi is enough for today.


	5. Look What You’ve Done To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni stands up to Francis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGRY BABY. Toni isn't smiling here. He's very angry at Francis for ruining friendship chances with Lovi (or so he feels).

**_~Toni~_ **

Francis tries to sit with me today. I shove him away, and when he tries to sit again I get to my feet and turn dark eyes on him. “Don’t.”

He pouts at me. “What’s wrong, mon ami?”

I breathe. “Remember the alcohol?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you think Gil isn’t talking to you? His dad was furious when he told him.”

He blinks. “So?”

I cross my arms defensively over my chest. “You know the new kid at school? Lovino?”

“Yeah.”

“He works at a bordel. You wanna know how I know that? I met him before, when I was drunk because of you.”

Francis seems unperturbed. “So?”

“ _ So? _ ”

My voice is squeaky. I’m too tired to deal with this.

“Francis, I haven’t slept in almost a week and I can’t even look him in the eye! You did this,” I poke him hard in the chest, “and I’m half of a mind to tell my dad and let him deal with it because I honestly don’t know what to do and I’m almost to the point of breaking completely. Everything I am is centered around how I treat people, and  _ look what you’ve done to me! _ That completely changes how he views me, and that’s irreversible.”

I collapse into the chair. “Go away. I don’t wanna talk to you.”

Francis gives me a blank look, then shrugs it off and walks away.


	6. I Hate This, I Hate This, I’m Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi comforts Toni after he stands up to Francis, assures him "it's okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I have to mention again...I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING THIS. The whole story makes me feel sick to my stomach. I started writing it when I was in a really bad emotional place & have since recovered...but I found the story itself and its messages intriguing enough to return to.

**_~Toni~_ **

Lovi sits quietly next to me. Francis is gone, and I’m half-collapsed on myself crying into my hands. I meant what I said to Francis, I meant every word of it. I hate this, I hate this, I’m breaking.

Lovi is quiet for a minute, then he scoots over and slips a gentle arm around me. He draws me against him and breathes out slow. “You’re not broken. The fact that you care what I think is better than anyone else, and the fact that you’re upset about it makes you a better person than them—especially better than the regulars.”

“You heard that?”

He laughs a little. “It’d be pretty impossible not to notice. Gil pointed it out because you don’t normally do that.”

I groan into my hands. Lovi tightens his grip and breathes slow again. I struggle to match my breath to his, because I know that’s why he’s breathing so loud and so consciously. It takes me ten minutes, but it works; my breath slows and I’m able to relax.

My body sags against his. He doesn’t move for awhile, and when he does it’s to take my chin and gently tip it up so he can dry my cheeks with his sleeve. He presses his lips gently to my cheek and flashes a weak smile.

I breathe out slow and manage to smile weakly at him. Lovi brushes my hair from my face and takes both of my hands like he did then, and his hands are far gentler than they were. He squeezes the tension from my hands like he holds the power of the world in his body, and my hands stop shaking.

I rub at my eyes and look across the room to Gil. He’s watching with those big concerned ruby-red eyes, trembling albino hair, tense pale fingers.

I turn to look at Lovi. I told him everything, so I won’t have to explain. “Matías called Dad asking after me four days ago; I haven’t slept since. Haven’t said anything to Dad either, even though he was home more often. I’m burning out.”

Lovi hugs me. “You should reach out. I told you they never stopped caring. I have a little brother; I’d know. You can’t hate them, even if you try. Don’t give up on him, especially with him reaching out.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Gil gets up and crosses the room to sit on my other side. “Hey, y’okay?”

Lovi lets go. I clear my throat and strain a weak smile at him. “Yeah. I’m just tired.”

“Of everything, yeah,” Gil finishes. “I know you better than that.”

“He hasn’t slept in four days,” Lovi says.

Gil’s eyes widen. “Why not?”

“His brother called.”

“His what?”

“You haven’t told him?” Lovi asks me.

I shake my head back and forth. “I don’t talk about Spain.”

“Can I?”

I shrug. “I was thinking about saying something.”

Lovi moves over to Gil, lowers his voice, and tells him about my brothers, about my family, about my mom, about Spain. Gil listens intently with a couple glances my way.

Lovi sits back down. Gil is quiet a minute or two. “No wonder you don’t talk about it.”

I shrug it off and look the other way. Lovi breathes. “Matías called and he hasn’t slept since.”

“Dude, you have to sleep,” Gil says. “I’ll have my dad give you the night-night pills if I have to.”

I laugh weakly; Lovi’s lips twitch towards a smile, and Gil almost smiles too. “Yeah, like that’ll help. Too much shit has happened.”

“High enough dose of Melatonin would do it,” Lovi points out.

“Yeah,” Gil agrees, “between five and ten milligrams should work.”

I make a faint sound of protest. “I’m fine.”

“Sure you are,” Gil agrees sarcastically. “I totally believe that.”

I sigh and drop my eyes to my lap. “I just—I’m just…”

“Overwhelmed,” Lovi stops me. “You’re overwhelmed.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s why.”

“Talk to your dad,” he suggests. “Venting helps.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Lovi hugs me again. “I’d talk to my dad if I could. Don’t take him for granted; he might not always be there.”

He gets up and leaves before I can ask what the hell that means. Gil and I exchange a glance, and Gil hugs me too. “He’s right. Talk to your dad—and maybe to Matías, too. You need it.”

“Yeah, thanks man.”

“Well, what are friends for?” he laughs.

“Naw, man, we’re brothers,” I disagree.

Gil grins. “Yeah, we are.”


	7. He Cares About What Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi muses over the fact that Toni is better than his usual clientele.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again...not condoning this.
> 
> Feli is sort of friends/acquainted with Toni. This will come back up later, and it makes the whole thing a lot worse on Toni and in some ways worse on Feli (when it comes to his attention that his big brother is working at a freaking BORDELLO).

**_~Lovi~_ **

He seems like a good guy; he’s actually upset over what happened.

The people at work today weren’t anything like him. I half-wish he’d come back and talk to me, but he’d probably feel horrible just stepping inside and handing them money and I don’t want him to be hurting. He’s already been through hell.

Feli hugs me and welcomes me home. “You’re not usually out so late,” he says.

“Sorry,” I say quietly. “I was talking to people.”

“That’s okay,” he laughs. “Making friends is important.”

“You know a guy named Gil?” I ask.

He laughs. “Yeah. He’s Lud’s big brother. Why?”

“Y’know his friend Toni?”

“Yeah, he’s super nice! He’s over a lot.”

“Hm.”

“Why?” he asks curiously.

“I sit with Toni at school,” I tell him. “He was quiet and I’m a little worried about him.”

“Hm,” Feli says. “That’s weird; he’s typically loud and outgoing. I hope he’s okay.”

“Yeah, me too. He seems like a good guy.”

“He is!” Feli enthuses. “He really is.”

I manage to smile at my brother. _ I wish Sebastian weren’t so busy…I could use his help. _


	8. Talking To Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni gets up the courage to tell his dad about the bordel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dad is kind of oblivious at first. Toni basically has a panic attack.

**_~Toni~_ **

Dad is home a little later today. I’m pacing in circles just waiting for him to get home, because if I wait till tomorrow I’ll lose all my motivation. Lovi told me to, and Gil said I should…I’m gonna tell him.

Dad drops his stuff in his room and comes into the kitchen. “Sorry I’m home late. How about some tuna salad sandwiches for dinner?”

He pauses, watching my circles for a minute, breathes. “Toni?”

I stop and turn slowly on my heel. Dad’s eyes widen. “What happened to your eye?”

“Francis.”

“I thought you were friends.”

I look away, breaking the eye contact. “I thought so, too. But apparently calling him out on his bullshit is bad.”

“Huh?”

I disappear to the living room and collapse on the couch. Dad bites the bait and follows me, and he sits down too. “Son? What’s wrong?”

I take Dad’s hand and breathe, but the attempt to stay calm is futile: the moment I start to tell him I start to cry. But thankfully, I make it through everything from the alcohol, the deadly dare, and Lovi, to Francis getting mad I told him off today. Dad is silent the entire time.

The moment I’m quiet Dad draws me into his lap and hugs me. “You do understand Francis is—”

“What, in big trouble?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe he’ll learn something if he gets in trouble.”

Dad is quiet for a minute, and he breathes out slow before speaking again. “Lovi. You said he likes you or something?”

“Yeah. He told me I didn’t leave any marks, any bruises or whatever, which makes me better than his usual clientele. He told me I’m a good person at lunch today.”

“Does he seem okay?”

“With me? Yeah. In general? No.”

“Huh? Wha’d’you mean?”

I look away. “He sounds calm for the most part. But when he was talking to Gil his voice got…I don’t know, darker. He didn’t sound okay, just for a moment. He says he’s protecting his brother.”

I turn to look at Dad. “I haven’t slept since Matías called. I’m too overwhelmed with everything. And I think I know how to make Lovi feel better: he said he has an older brother, Sebastian Archangelo Vargas, and he’s a lawyer in New York City. He’s really good, but he’s been so busy he hasn’t noticed that without the bordel they’d be homeless. He hasn’t noticed that Lovi isn’t okay. If we could get ahold of him, then maybe…I don’t know. I want to help him.”

Dad nods. “I can look into it.”

He brings me into the kitchen and throws dinner together, and he hugs me. “Don’t worry,” he says as he sets the plates on the table, “he’ll be okay.”


	9. He’s Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni returns to talk to Lovi again, alone. This time, he's sober.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, NOT CONDONING THIS. Lovi just thinks it's normal, because abused people don't realize it's abuse until they escape. He's not used to people being like Toni (gentle, not forceful), so naturally he clings to something new and not painful. That doesn't make it okay, either. That's part of why Toni fights it.
> 
> Trigger warning! Lovi's family is really abusive (he calls them "even worse than the bordel clientele"). His backstory is brought up here. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse mentions.

**_~Lovi~_ **

Toni’s back. It’s at night, one of the other times I slip out and come here for money. The hostess brings him up, holds up two fingers, and walks away. Toni isn’t drunk this time; he looks exhausted and uneasy. I pull him in the room and close the door. “I didn’t figure you’d come back here. You seem uneasy every time you think about it.”

He shrugs. “I wanted to talk. Figured it was the best place to find you. I still can’t sleep.”

I scoop him up and set him down on the bed, and I sit down next to him. He breathes out slow. “I told Dad. He says Francis is in a lot of trouble.”

He turns to look at me. His eye is black,purple, blue. “He got kinda mad that I told him off and he punched me after school. Dad saw and he’s been raging to himself in his room. He says he’s not mad at me.”

Toni takes my right hand in both of his. “I know you’re supposed to seem okay all the time.”

He breathes. “But when you were talking to Gil, it slipped. I don’t know what exactly I heard, but the only thing I can think of is dark. You sounded off.”

“You caught that?”

“Yeah.”

I reach over and kiss his cheek. “I don’t sleep. Even when I’m not at work. You and I aren’t all that different, you know: my family is like yours. My aunt Maria and my aunt Domenica are also hell and like to scream at me and tell me why I’m a disgrace and everything and my parents both hate me. Mom wouldn’t believe they were hurting me. That’s why I’m here; if we lost the house we’d be back with them, and you can already guess that’s fucking hell. It’s worse than here—and that’s a feat. I’m too anxious to reach out and ask Seb for help because he worked hard for what he has, but if we don’t figure something out…”

I look the other way. “I don’t know. I’m not going back with them.”

Toni’s grip on my hand tightens. “Well, I mean, Feli can probably stay with Gil and Ludwig. They like him.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “But I’ve never made any friends, so I’d have nowhere to go.”

Toni releases my hand to hug me instead. “You can stay with me. My dad’s a cop so if anyone tries to follow you’d be safe, and in the meantime we could get ahold of your brother.”

I wrap my arms around him and draw myself into his lap, and I close my eyes. “I don’t want to intrude on your personal space.”

Toni reaches up and kisses my cheek. “You already are, in more ways than one. I can’t get you out of my head if I tried, anyway. What’s the point in fighting it?”

I open my eyes and pull back to look at him. Toni shrugs. “I have issues,” he mutters.

I lean in and gently kiss him. He answers enthusiastically like he did then, but a lot gentler and a lot more uncertain than he was. I don’t pull away until we both have to breathe.

“You keep saying that,” I say. I draw breath into my lungs. “Maybe you’re not perfect, but you’re the closest I’ve ever come and I’ll be damned if I just let you walk away. No matter what hell comes my way I still want you in my life. I know I just met you a bit ago but I know a lot about you and you’re a good person. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Toni blinks a bit, and now a shy smile breaks across his lips. This one is more real, and it reaches his eyes with that bright light he had when I first met him. “You really believe that?”

“Yes.”

There’s enough conviction for him to relax. “Okay.”

He reaches up slow and shy, and his lips steal mine briefly. I tighten my grip a little to encourage him, and I wrap both arms tightly around him.

Toni pulls back pretty quickly, and with a quick blush he looks away. “Uh…”

I kiss his cheek. “Don’t do that again, tesoro. This is more than just a job; I like you. Besides, we talked. What are we gonna do with two hours?”

Toni blushes again, and his eyes return to mine. “I don’t wanna—”

“What, take advantage of me?” I finish.

He shrugs. I laugh. “It would only be taking advantage if I didn’t like it. Tell you what: I’ll go home and stay with you instead if you stop fighting me.”

Toni looks up with wide eyes. For a minute, he’s silent, but he sighs and nods. “Okay.”


	10. Lovi Looks Peaceful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni wakes up at home with Lovi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Toni talks about the bordel & briefly mentions flashbacks and abusive family, and he tells Feli about the bordel.

**_~Toni~_ **

I wake up at home. Lovi is curled up next to me with his eyes closed, and he looks peaceful. Dad is up the hall grumbling into his phone that he doesn’t care what it takes, he needs Francis behind bars. He growls that he’ll fight Officer Bonnefoy tooth and nail if he has to.

I rub at my eyes. Lovi stretches like a cat, turns over, and wraps an arm around me. My heart melts into a puddle of warm goo under his touch, and I wrap my arms around him and draw him to me. He’s dressed now, because after the two hours we both dressed and came here. If Dad comes in to talk he won’t have as many questions.

Dad pokes his head in my room. “Toni—”

He cuts himself off and gives me a look. I shrug at him. “Go on. You can say anything with him in the room.”

“Are you sure?”

“This is Lovi.”

“Oh,” he sighs. He shrugs. “Well, Francis’ dad is a cop so that’s an issue. But it sounds like we can get him in trouble, if we can get the footage from the school cameras proving he did it. Where exactly did he…erm, dare you guys?”

“Behind the school, near the cafeteria. There were cameras where he got the alcohol, too, and in the alley near the bordel when he was telling us where to go.”

Dad nods. “Alright. What’re you gonna do with…”

He drifts off. I shrug. “Protect him. He’d be homeless or living with abusive ass family without that job, which is bullshit. And if any of his old clients try and track him down…them too.”

“Ah. Alright. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“M’kay.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too, Dad.”

Dad leaves the room. Lovi mumbles something under his breath and curls closer, digging his fingers into my t-shirt and burying his eyes in my shoulder. I turn onto my side and pull him against me, resting my eyes against the top of his shoulder.

For about ten minutes, Lovi doesn’t move. Then a voice shatters the silence calling his name, and he startles upright and the first thing out of his mouth is “Feli.”

I scoot upright. “Hey, relax.”

Lovi turns to look at me. “Feli’ll panic.”

“I got this. Stay here a minute.”

I reach over and kiss his cheek, and I roll up to my feet. “It’s my house, anyway. If he wants to talk to you I’ll just bring him inside.”

Lovi relaxes. “Okay.”

I head up and out the door. Feli is across the street searching around anxiously, calling his brother’s name. I lift a hand and wave him over. “Feli.”

He turns and darts across the street. “Hey, Toni.”

“Hey. Y’okay?”

“Lovi didn’t come home last night.”

I gesture. “He’s inside.”

“Why’s he at your place?”

“Do you know how you two have a house?”

“Seb pays for it,” he says.

I laugh. “I wish he did. That would be so much better. Look, if he knows I told you this he’ll probably kill me but—do you know what a bordel is?”

“A bordello?” Feli repeats me in Italian.

I nod. Feli shrugs. “Yeah, I know. Sex slaves. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Lovi pays for the house.”

“How?” he asks. “He’s not eighteen.”

“Ahem.”

I raise an eyebrow. Feli blinks at me. “What…what does a bordello have to do with…”

“How do you think the bills get paid, sweetheart?”

Feli’s eyes widen. “He would never.”

I cross my arms defensively over my chest. “I met him at one. A few weeks ago.”

“What were you doing at a brothel?”

I sigh and look away. “My friend Francis—well, I guess ex-friend—got me smashed and shoved me in the door. I talked to him instead; I think he sorta likes me.”

Feli blinks. I shrug and look back. “I’m talkative when I’m drunk. I told him about Spain, which is something I basically never talk about. He answered that Italy was hell, and recently he said your family’s hell too and he’s scared to go back—he even went so far as to call it worse than the brothel. He’s too anxious to ask Sebastian for help, so instead he went there to pay the bills.”

Feli is stiff and silent. I take a step back. “I talked him into staying with me instead. I figure Lud and Gil like you a lot so you can crash with them. Took a bit to convince him it was a better option than what he’s doing—but I managed. And I think we should call Sebastian. I don’t know how to get ahold of him, but I don’t want Lovi doing that and I don’t see any other way to get him to stop long-term.”

Feli breathes in slow and pulls out his phone. “I have his number.”

His voice is shaky and softer, and he’s lost his mirth. I’m not surprised; who wants to hear that their big brother’s been paying the bills by selling their body? I’d hate to hear the same about my brothers, and we’re not even on speaking terms at the moment.

Trembling fingers hunt out the number in his contacts, and he offers his phone. “Here.”

I pull out my phone and take the number down, and also the address and work office phone just in case he doesn’t answer. Feli pockets his phone and hugs me. “Thank you.”

I hug him lightly back. “I should be thanking you, not the other way around. I would never have known if I hadn’t gotten drunk, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation; you’re one of the reasons Lovi is even mostly okay.”

Feli laughs, but it doesn’t sound real. I don’t really blame him after what he just found out. “The fact that you’re trying to help deserves something,” Feli says. He lets go.

I strain a weak smile, and Feli flashes one in return before running off up the street towards Ludwig’s. Hopefully he’ll tell him the truth, and maybe Ludwig can help him feel better.

I pocket my phone and head back inside. Lovi is up in the hall. “Hey,” he says.

“He ran off,” I tell him. “I told him you’re okay: that’s all he wanted to hear. I think he’s going to Ludwig’s; that’s the direction he was headed.”

Lovi nods. “Did he seem okay?”

“Once he heard you were just out with friends, yeah. He just wanted to be sure you weren’t hurt or something. He’s a good brother.”

Lovi laughs, and his laugh is similar to what his brother’s was after he knew. Now I can find a word for it: breaking. He’s not quite shattered, not yet. But he  _ is _ breaking, and he  _ isn’t  _ okay.

I grab a towel from the closet at the end of the hall and some clothes out of Lovi’s bag and hand them to him. “Here. Take a shower.”

Lovi laughs again and accepts the pile from me. “Why?”

“I’m gonna call my brother,” I shrug. “I don’t feel comfortable with anyone hearing.”

He hugs me and moves into the bathroom. I slip out back and pull out my phone, and I plug in the number Dad gave me five days ago.

I breathe and touch my phone to my ear, and I start to pace anxiously. This whole thing with Lovi made me realize how much I miss them, and maybe I should call before I talk to Sebastian anyway. It’ll help alleviate some of my stress if it goes well, and if it doesn’t Lovi’s right here for me to fall back on.

“Hola,” his voice sends cold shivers of recognition and shock dancing down my spine, “eso es Matías Carriedo. ¿Como puedo ayudarte?”

I breathe out slow and just pace for a minute. “Hola, Matías,” I say just before he speaks again.

He’s quiet for a minute. My voice sounds different than he remembers; seven years changes a lot.

I kick at the brick wall of the firepit and curse when my foot cries out, and I keep circling. It’s helping me to angst and not do anything stupid.

“Um…” Matías clears his throat. “Uh, who are you?”

I laugh. “Seven years changes a lot, doesn’t it? It’s Toni. Dad gave me your number.”

“Toni!” his voice jumps up an octave with surprise. He laughs. “Geeze, yeah, I don’t recognize your voice.”

I collapse to the ground roughly and dig my fingernails into my legs. “Me odio a mí mismo en este momento.”

“¿Por qué?” he asks.

I breathe, and I decide to just tell him and let him make his own conclusions. “My friend Francis—well, ex-friend I guess—blackmailed my friend Gil and I into getting drunk.”

“And?”

“And he took us to a burdel.”

He’s quiet for a minute. “What does that have to do with—”

“Matí. The kid goes to my school.”

“Huh?”

“He’s fifteen, his name is Lovino, he’s transgender, and he has a thirteen year old little brother named Feli who’s friends with Gil’s little brother. He said that because I didn’t leave bruises or any kind of physical scar that makes me better than the other clients and that I’m far better than the regulars because I care what he thinks and how he feels about it.”

I draw in a deep breath. “He’s just a kid. He’s in my class,  _ I sit next to him in class. _ He doesn’t hate me; far to the contrary, he calls us friends already. Apparently I’m a talkative drunk because I told him about Spain which I never talk about. He told Gil about it.  _ He’s just a kid. _ Me odio a mí mismo en este momento.”

He’s quiet for awhile. “Why do you feel so bad if he doesn’t hate you?”

“It’s his job to act like he’s fine, but he’s not. He’s not. His family is abusive and the burdel money pays for a house so he can live away from them, and he’s too anxious to reach out to his big brother for help because he honestly believes Sebastian deserves everything he has and doesn’t need to be bothered, and when he laughs there’s something dark in his voice and he’s breaking. He acts like he’s okay but he’s breaking. I can hear it in his voice and I can see it in his eyes. I don’t want him to break.”

Again, he’s quiet for awhile. He breathes. “The fact that you care if he’s breaking makes you better than most of the people who go to brothels, both regulars and passersby. They figure ‘ _ hey, it’s just me, just this once _ ’ but those people deal with a million people in a day. You aren’t like that if you give a damn about his well-being, which means it’s not surprising at all that he likes you. You’re not like the other people  _ that he’s gotten used to _ , and that makes you better than them. You don’t have to beat yourself up over it; Francis never should’ve done that, but that does mean it’s genuinely not your fault because you didn’t make the decision to drink.”

I breathe out slow. “I haven’t slept in a week.”

“What? Why not?”

“Many reasons. Guilt. Angst. Overthinking things. I guess I’m just overwhelmed.”

I breathe. “Also you called. And that was only a week after Lovi happened and fuck I’m still not recovered from that. He keeps telling me it’s okay and saying I’m a good person and all but it doesn’t make me feel any better.  _ I know his brother.  _ And not just in passing. His brother likes me, he occasionally calls me his friend and he talks to me a lot. I probably shouldn’t’ve but I told him about how Lovi pays for the house and he ran off to Ludwig and Gil’s house and he’s upset—and who can blame him? Who wants to hear that their big brother is selling their body to pay the bills? I sure as hell don’t.”

I drag air back into my lungs. “I’m thinking too much and I can’t sleep.”

“What does me calling have to do with anything?”

“Dad told me you asked if I was okay, and that he said he honestly didn’t know because I don’t tell him much anymore. It brought back everything I tried to forget, all the bad memories and all the emotions I tried to push away. It brought España back. It brought flashbacks with it. It brought anxiety, because I wanted to call back and talk to you but I didn’t have the energy to pick up the phone. It took Gil and Lovi both telling me to and Lovi basically shoving me out the door and telling me to for me to call.”

I close my eyes. Matías is quiet for a moment. “Oh. Wait, flashbacks to what?”

“Things.”

“What things? Spain wasn’t that bad.”

A bitter, dead laugh falls from my lips. “Wasn’t that bad? It was hell. You were okay, and Andrés was when he had the time to talk to me. Dad was okay. But everything else? God, it was terrible.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Language!” someone shouts on his end. Matías grumbles.

“Who’re you talking to, Matí?” Jesús’ voice asks.

I mutter a curse. “Not him again.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Matías asks, moving away from Jesús.

“I won’t say on the phone. Especially not with one of the problems right at your ear.”

“Hermano, seriously,” Matías exasperates. “What kind of problem is—”

“We’re talking abuse. Stop asking questions.”

He makes a few sounds, none of which really resemble words. A few are protest sounds, a couple are angry, one is sad. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Stop asking questions.”

“Hermano, please.”

“Who’re you talking to, hermano Matías?”

“If you care so much,” I say, “come find me. I’m not hiding from you. I won’t say on the phone.”

“So you’ll talk about underage drinking, unwedded brothel fucking, and not sleeping due to guilt and anxiety,” he says, and it sounds like he’s running, “but you won’t talk about home?”

“One, don’t say it like that. It makes it that much worse. Two, yes. It’s that bad.”

He grumbles. “I don’t even know what country you’re in!”

“This is a cell phone,” I tell him. “You can take my number and track it with a click of a button. You’re not stupid; if you want something you can get it.”

“Toni, what the hell?” Matías demands. “I don’t understand.”

“PDX,” I say. “Remember that.”

I hang up the phone before he can protest. I glance inside; Lovi’s still in the shower. I dial his brother.

“Ciao, this is Sebastian Vargas,” a smooth Italian purr answers the phone. “How may I assist you today?”

_ Oh damn. This isn’t going to be easy. _

“Hi,” I greet him, and I manage to keep most of my anxiety from my voice. “My name is Toni, and I need your help with Lovi.”

“What?” he laughs.

“Your brother. He’s too anxious to ask you for help but he desperately needs it. It’s hard to explain but he needs your help.”

“With what? He’s capable and smart.”

“With getting away from home.”

“Huh?”

I release my breath as slowly as I can. “Let me put it this way: Lovi’s been paying for a house all by himself just to get him and Feli away from your family.”

“How the hell is he doing that?”

I clear my throat. “You don’t want the details. Let this suffice: brothel.”

He’s quiet for a minute or two. “A whorehouse? What?”

I grumble a little. “Yeah. Your brother works at a brothel to pay for a house because he believes that you deserve everything you have and that you’re better than him and that you don’t need to be bothered. He’s too anxious to ask for help, but he’s breaking and he needs help. It’s his job to act like he’s fine all the time, but he’s not. He’s not. When he laughs there’s something dark in his voice; he acts like he’s okay, but he’s breaking. I can hear it in his voice and I can see it in his eyes. I don’t want him to break. He’s just a kid, he sits next to me in class.”

I breathe in slow, and the silence is echoing in my eardrums. “I convinced him to crash with me short-term, but unless something is done I have a feeling he’s gonna go back. Feli’s crashing with his friend Ludwig and he’s mostly okay. I need your help with Lovi.”

Sebastian doesn’t answer me for several minutes. “Are you…serious?”

I sigh. “I met him at the brothel to begin with. That’s a whole other story and it also involves one of my friends getting in a lot of trouble, legal trouble. I’m talkative when drunk and told him about Spain, and he told me yesterday that he’s scared to go home. He called your family worse than the brothel. I don’t know the details but if they’re worse than the so-called ‘ _ regulars _ ’ that leave him bruised and bloody and violated in every way, I don’t know if I want to know just how bad that is.”

Sebastian clears his throat. “How…how long has he been doing that?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I’d guess awhile.”

“Fuck,” he mutters.

I close my eyes and lean back against the side of one of the lawn chairs. “He laughed at something my friend Gil said, but there was something dark in his voice. I don’t know exactly what it was but it kinda scared me, and it was the first real sign that he wasn’t as okay as he was acting. My dad’s a cop so for now I can cover him—especially if one of those  _ regular _ assholes tries to track him down or if someone he’s scared of shows up—but I can’t do much in the long-term because we don’t have custody of him and I don’t know how long he’s going to let me protect him. I already feel like hell just knowing what I do know about him, and even that’s not everything. He needs some serious ass help, help that I can’t give him.”

I breathe and release it as a sigh. “He needs you, but he’s too fucking stubborn to say anything.”

Sebastian breathes, too. “What’s the name of the…”

“Beverly Hills Bordel. I don’t know how many of the others are underage.”

He clears his throat. “Well…they aren’t going to be in business much longer.”

“By all means,” I open the door for him to just shut the place down. “The only thing that matters to me is if Lovi’s okay in the end.”

“He will be,” he assures me. “This isn’t going to keep happening.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you for telling me,” he says, and I can tell he means it.

“Thank you for helping,” I return, and I really am grateful he does care. “Most of my brothers wouldn’t’ve given enough of a damn to step in if it were me.”

He laughs, and it’s tense and uneasy. “My brothers are everything to me. I can’t just step aside and let Lovi do that to himself, let alone whatever the hell’s going on with our family.”

“Yeah,” I agree.

Sebastian shakes his head. “You’re calling on a text-capable cell phone, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Text me if anything else happens.”

“Okay,” I say. I’d want someone to do the same if it were me and one of my brothers; I won’t let him down.

He hangs up. I get to my feet, curse my throbbing foot, pocket my phone, and limp inside.


	11. Can I Stay With You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feli half-bluffs to stay with Ludwig instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feli tells Ludwig. Also he's super angsty & upset, and he cusses. He expresses a lack of self-worth as well.
> 
> Ludwig mentions that Gil is "used to people like Hayden ((OC bully jackass)) who ditch you when you need them, treat you like shit when they’re around, and don’t give a damn what you think. Toni is his polar opposite..." I mean this literally. Ludwig says he cares "so much" and "he’ll treat you like you’re the sun and he’s orbiting you." This is an exaggerated understatement...Toni is literally Hayden's polar opposite. He basically worships people, he cares a little too much what they think of him (hence why he's so upset over Lovi), and he'd never, ever ditch someone (even if he really should). This is both a good and a bad thing. It will come back up later.

**_~Feli~_ **

I’m not letting Lovi do that anymore, so I’m going to half-bluff. It’s not like Ludwig needs to know, and soon it’ll be true.

I set my stuff down a little bit away and approach his door. The spring is gone from my step, and my heart is attempting to tear its way from my sore chest.

Lovi said he was okay! Working at that kind of place doesn’t constitute  _ okay _ .

It’s pouring rain outside to match my raging emotions. I’m soaked by the time I step up to the door, and it’s late and it’s cold and it’s getting dark.

I breathe and knock on the door. For now the rain will mask the tears.

Gil pokes his head out the door, gives me a weird look, then disappears. He returns a moment later with Ludwig. “Your Italian boyfriend is back,” Gil says. “He doesn’t look happy.”

Gil vanishes up the hall. Ludwig tilts his head at me. “You’re not usually out so late.”

I shiver. “House got foreclosed,” I bluff. It will be soon. “I don’t really have anywhere to—”

I don’t finish. He gets the idea. Ludwig lets go of the doorknob. “Yes you do.”

I blink at him. He gestures. “Grab your stuff, sweetheart. You aren’t staying out in that.”

I try to stammer a protest. Ludwig doesn’t let me finish. “Stop,” he cuts me off. “You’re staying here. Grab your shit and get inside. No more arguing.”

I guess I tried.

I dart down to where I dropped my stuff, scoop it up, and come back. Ludwig pulls me inside before I can change my mind and shuts the door, and he goes up the hall to drop my stuff in his room and grab several towels. He wraps me up like a burrito and sits down on the couch and cuddles me.

Ludwig’s dad walks from the kitchen into the living room, and he gives Ludwig a weird look. “He’s not usually over this late,” he says.

“He’s homeless,” Ludwig deadpans.

I flinch. Ludwig’s dad laughs. “Oh. Is he okay?”

“He’s shivering and soaked,” Ludwig tells him. “So not exactly.”

He smiles, grabs a towel, and rubs my hair dry. He dries my face off, my hands, then wraps the towel around me. “He should be fine,” he says. “His skin isn’t blue so he’s not hypothermic. It’s just too cold to stand outside.”

He hugs me and heads off up the hall. I keep my eyes down so Ludwig won’t catch me crying, and I rub at my arms a little. I’m not sure what I think right now, but I know I’m not happy because  _ what the fuck, Lovi, you said you were okay. _

Ludwig kisses the side of my forehead and rubs the towels quickly enough to warm me up and dry most of the water from my skin. My clothes are a little damp, and Ludwig snatches a t-shirt and sweatpants from his drawer and hands them to me. “Here.”

He heads into the kitchen. I change and dry off, and Ludwig returns to snatch up my damp clothes and throw them in the laundry room basket. He snatches up the towels and dumps them too.

I run my fingers shakily through my hair. Ludwig blow-dries my hair, which makes it go poof. I use my hands to make it lie flat again.

He hugs me, which tells me he at least suspects something’s wrong—that, or he’s really tired. He’s usually gun-shy of touch.

Ludwig scoops me up and brings me into his room. He closes the door quietly and sets me down on the bed, then he sits next to me and takes my hand. “What’s wrong? I’ve never seen you cry before.”

I cringe.  _ So he did notice. _

Ludwig pulls me into his lap. “Hey, it’s okay. The strongest people break the hardest, you know. You’re one of those people. Must be pretty bad to get you crying.”

He wins; I laugh at him. He flashes a brief smile in response.

I wrap both arms around him and hide. “I actually cry pretty easy. I’m just so used to people telling me I’m a weak coward that I don’t cry around anyone but my brothers. Not to say you’re wrong, but it doesn’t have to be that bad. This…just happens to be.”

“Anyone that calls you a weak coward  _ is _ a weak coward and is just self-projecting,” he says. “You’re strong, kind, talented, and brave.”

I snuggle closer.  _ That right there is why I love you. _ “You really believe that?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

I tighten my grip and breathe. “Lovi’s been working at a brothel. He said he was okay but there’s no way that classifies as okay. Toni convinced him not to, and he’s trying to get ahold of Sebastian and get help. I don’t know a lot but I know enough to be upset.”

“Like, a…”

“Whorehouse. Lovi’s been selling his body for profit.”

My voice cracks. Ludwig cuddles me close. “Christ,” he mutters. “No wonder you’re upset.”

I close my eyes and curl my fingers into his jacket. “I don’t know what exactly I’m feeling, just that I’m not happy. This is the last thing I wanted to hear.”

“Overwhelmed, horrified, confused, depressed, and angry seem like pretty logical emotions to be feeling,” Ludwig says. “Whether you’re angry at him for doing it or them for letting him doesn’t matter.”

“Aren’t brothels supposed to—”

“Do an age check?” he finishes, and he nods. “They can’t take anyone under the age of eighteen legally speaking. But sex trafficking is a thing and black markets are a thing, so I’m not surprised some brothels are undermining that policy and seeking desperate children to exploit.”

I shudder. Ludwig kisses my cheek. “We’ll protect him, don’t worry. Toni’s a good guy, and he’ll be furious about it. He’s not gonna let this go on.”

“He said he wants to get Seb in on it so he can make sure Lovi doesn’t ever, ever go back,” I tell him. “Because he’s scared he will if he’s given time.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Toni,” he agrees. “He’ll follow through. There’s a reason he’s Gil’s friend; Gil’s used to people like Hayden who ditch you when you need them, treat you like shit when they’re around, and don’t give a damn what you think. Toni is his polar opposite, and having him on our side means there’s no fight we won’t win. He’ll never ditch someone who needs help, he’ll treat you like you’re the sun and he’s orbiting you, and he cares so much about what people think. He’ll protect Lovi with everything he has.”

I release a slow breath. “Okay.”

Ludwig pulls me down so we’re lying flat on the bed, and he draws me in close. “Try and sleep: you know Lovi would never want you to lose sleep over him. Toni will make damn sure he’s okay. I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

I close my eyes, breathe slowly, and relax against him. “Okay.”


	12. Toni Must’ve Told Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi discovers that Toni told Feli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feli tells Lovi that "“Selling your body for profit is never okay. That never qualifies as okay. Never, ever, ever. It never has and it never will.”" This is my opinion coming through a bit in him. Being forced into prostitution out of necessity isn't okay. This is one of the problems with homelessness and low employment...and being forced into something you don't want to do isn't okay. If it's entirely consensual & not forced or coerced in any way, then it's okay.
> 
> Also, trigger warnings!
> 
> Lovi and Toni are talking at the end, and Toni says "Making people feel better about themselves makes me feel better sometimes. But with my brothers and my mom still off in la la land believing I can be or need to be fixed, I’m not really going to be okay either. Despite that, you can still manage to take most of that away and I love you for that. I want you to feel okay because you make me feel almost okay."  
> My mom told me at this point in the story that if someone makes you feel happy and safe, you like them, and you want to make them happy, then you're in love. (She's a tsundere, a real-life tsundere, and apparently...a closet romantic? I mean, she punched my dad when he held open a door for her in her teenage years. XD)  
> I wrote those lines right before she said that, and I kinda realized after the fact that I was putting what she said in different words. Everyone seems to forget the "I want to make you happy/feel okay" part of a relationship and focuses more on the "me me me" part. There needs to be some balance is all. :)

**_~Lovi~_ **

“You said you were okay!” Feli says. Toni must’ve told him.

“I’m fine,” I tell him. It’s mostly true.

Feli grabs handfuls of my shirt and shakes me once. “Selling your body for profit is  _ never _ okay. That  _ never _ qualifies as okay. Never, ever, ever. It never has and it never will.”

_ So he did tell him. _

I close my eyes. If I deny it he’ll just scream at me for lying or get more mad, so I can’t deny it. But if I don’t deny it, he’ll start crying. I can’t win.

I open my eyes and breathe, and I sweep my arms wide in surrender. “I’m trying to protect you, you moron, and you’re not making it easy.”

That brings him up short. It’s true, too.

Feli blinks at me. “What?”

I sigh and drop my eyes. “I’m trying to protect you.”

“From what?”

“Not what, who. Them.”

“Who?”

“People far worse than the bordel clientele. People who should care about us and what we think or feel but don’t. Dangerous people.”

“Family?”

I shrug. Not a yes, not a no. Feli will make the leap on his own.

Feli’s eyes widen. “Wait, seriously? Is that what this is about?”

I close my eyes and force myself to breathe. “They did it to me and I wasn’t going to let it happen to you. I did what I had to do to get out. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. Does it make me desperate? Absolutely. Yes, I’m desperate to get away from them. Yes, I’m trying to protect you. Maybe I should’ve said something, but what was I supposed to say? I don’t like being the reason you’re upset, and that would without a doubt have upset you.”

Feli starts to cry, and he pulls me to him and wraps tight arms around me. “Never, ever do that again. Ever. Promise me.”

I wrap gentle arms around him and rest my head against his shoulder. “I promise.”

For several minutes he’s quiet, the only sound being his little overwhelmed sobs. I tighten my grip and kiss his cheek, and he just keeps crying.

Ten minutes slip away, and Feli pulls back to look at me again. “Ever,” he repeats shakily.

I take one of his hands. “Promise me you won’t go home. I don’t want them to get a chance to hurt you. Don’t go home. Please.”

“I promise,” Feli says. He reaches up to rub at his red-rimmed eyes. “I’m staying with Ludwig. The moment he heard I had nowhere to go he pulled me inside.”

“Okay.”

He kisses my cheek and steps back. “You should’ve called Sebastian.”

He runs before I can answer. I sigh and head inside. “I didn’t say you could tell my brother.”

“I’d want to know if it were me,” Toni shrugs. “He deserves the truth.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. It’s too late to take it back now. If I try and deny it he’ll just get mad at me. Was your brother nice?”

He smiles. “Yeah. I think I may have convinced him to come visit.”

“Cool.”

He gets to his feet. “I called Sebastian.”

“Oh my god. Why?”

He laughs a little. “Because you should’ve done it ages ago. He had only one question I couldn’t answer: how long have you been doing that?”

“I don’t know. Awhile.”

“Lovi.”

His voice is firm and shaky. I look away. “Seven years.”

Toni mutters a couple curses and hugs me again. “Never again.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He sighs like he always does when he’s overwhelmed. “Well, Sebastian said he’s gonna come down here and he’s gonna have a lot of questions. Don’t bypass them. He really cares about you; please don’t take that for granted. Jesús and maybe even Andrés would’ve just hung up if they got a call like that, but more like Matías your brother gave a damn. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers, but Matías is the only one who really returns that and Sebastian said he really wants you to feel okay.”

I run my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, okay.”

“Please say something more than just that. You always say that.”

I sigh. “What do you want to hear? I’m defeated and depressed and fucked up in more ways than one, and my go-to response is either ‘ _ I’m okay _ ’ or ‘ _ yeah _ ’ because it’s easy and it gets people to shut up and leave me alone. I love him, I just…don’t have the courage to reach out for help when I need it. Sometimes I wish I felt okay too.”

He’s silent and still for a moment, and he catches me off-guard by kissing me instead of hugging me this time. Just in the pressure of his lips, in the way he touches me, in the way his arms draw me in, I can feel every ounce of kindness and love he’s trying to express. Why is he so perfect? What did I ever do to deserve him? Does God like me now? He’s everything I need and more. I’m so glad I found him.

Toni pulls away but doesn’t let go. “Making people feel better about themselves makes me feel better sometimes. But with my brothers and my mom still off in la la land believing I can be or need to be fixed, I’m not really going to be okay either. Despite that, you can still manage to take most of that away and I love you for that. I want you to feel okay because you make me feel almost okay.”

I reach up and kiss him. “I love you, too. Your brothers are missing out.”

He actually laughs a little, a real laugh that lights up his eyes. I hug him back to encourage that. “Besides, maybe they’ll come round if they see you don’t need them around to feel good about yourself or to find love. Shit happens; you never know.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he says. He flashes a smile, one of those weak ones that doesn’t reach his eyes.

I kiss him, and he relaxes into my grip. He wraps gentle arms around me and closes his eyes.

Maybe two broken people can fix each other, even though it seems like they’d just make even more of a mess. He makes me feel sort of okay, and apparently I can make him feel almost okay in spite of his family. Maybe I can help him fix that, too. Maybe I should talk to them. Maybe we can save each other.


	13. Parental Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni and Lovi talk about their parental issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cussing warning, also shit parents warning. Lovi says his mom called him an "attention-seeking whore" when he tried (at SEVEN YEARS OLD) to tell her about the abuse.
> 
> The names and their meanings (for example, Luciano=light) are true. I did the research on them and chose them carefully.

**_~Toni~_ **

I tell him about Mom in greater detail than I did that night. We both have parental issues, so he understands better than anyone else would.

He returns the favor: “Yeah, my mom constantly told me—she did it to Sebastian, too—I was a mistake and useless, and when I tried to tell her about the abuse she called me an attention-seeking whore.”

“Jeeze,” I empathize, “she doesn’t sound like someone you’d wanna be friends with.”

He laughs a little. “Yeah. Dad was cool, though. He talked to us and he was awesome, until the day we came out and he just…fell off the face of the earth. Nowhere to be found.”

“I’m glad Dad’s here with me,” I say, “but he works so much he might as well not be. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him half the time.”

“I don’t blame you; I don’t either.”

We both laugh. It feels good to laugh.

“My mom’s name is Sofía,” I tell him. “It means ‘ _ wise _ ’…it doesn’t really suit her.”

Lovi chuckles. “My mom’s name is Jemma, meaning jewel. Doesn’t suit her.”

“Jewel on the hilt of a dagger or sword, maybe,” I tease.

“Maybe,” he agrees. “What’s your dad’s name?”

“Nicolás Alejandro Carriedo. Nicolás means ‘ _ victory of the people _ ’ and Alejandro means ‘ _ defender _ ’ or ‘ _ protector of mankind _ ’.”

“That’s cool,” Lovi says. “My dad’s name is Luciano Amadeo Vargas—light and God’s love.”

“Very religious,” I point out.

“Hardcore Catholic grandparents,” he shrugs.

“Yeah, me too. I wish it was easier. Did your family move here or are they still in Italy? Other than my dad, everyone is still in Spain.”

“They moved here,” he says. “But they were happy to see me leave. They never really liked me.”

I hug him for that one. “ _ I _ like you. I don’t see how they don’t.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles. He snuggles into me. “I like you, too.”

_ Maybe I can talk them around. I want you to feel okay. Maybe then I can feel okay, too. I like you. Me gusta. _


	14. PDX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matías looks into PDX, since Toni mentioned it by name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PDX is Portland International Airport, Portland, Oregon. Because it's difficult to write in a place you've never lived, I have this centered where I actually live. It's coincidental and not based on real events.
> 
> This is the first chapter with Matías as the main narrator/perspective.

**_~Matías~_ **

I pocket my phone and collapse in front of my computer.  _ PDX? Why PDX? _

Jesús follows me into the room. “Hey. Stop running. Who were you talking to?”

“He doesn’t want me to tell you,” I half-bluff, “and I don’t know why.”

I type PDX into Google Maps. It’s an international airport in Portland, Oregon, which means he’s somewhere nearby.

“PDX?” Jesús repeats. “What’re you searching that for?”

I take Toni’s number from my caller ID and plug it into my phone as a new contact. I save, then type it into the number tracker.

I wave Jesús vaguely away. “He asked me to come talk to him in person, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

I plug the coordinates into Google Maps and write down the physical address. Then I close both tabs and get up.

“Is this about hermanito Antonio?” Jesús perceptively asks.

I sigh and turn to him. “So now you’ll call him your brother? You chased him away not doing that. Yes, it is, but he’s scared of you and I’m going to find out why.”

I pull the rolling suitcase from my closet and drop it, open, on the bed. “If I find out why, I’ll tell you. Maybe you can fix it. But I’m going alone. I need to talk to him first and figure out what the fuck he meant. He said some suspicious shit and used the word ‘ _ abuse _ ’ to describe some of the people here, and I’m worried about him and his well-being. I’ll update you and Andrés if he’s cool with that.”

Jesús is quiet. “Did he—”

“He didn’t name names,” I shake my head. “He says he won’t give details on the phone. He hasn’t slept in a week because he’s overwhelmed by shit that’s been going down and flashbacks, and I’m going to find out why.”

“Let me come with,” he begs. “I miss him, and Dad too.”

I pull out my phone and breathe, and I text him. “ _ Jesús is begging to come with. I’ll leave it up to you. ~Matí _ ”

“ _ …If he doesn’t talk to me, whatever. Him and Dad were close. _ ”

“ _ Okay. 16 hours. _ ”

“ _ Okay. _ ”

I pocket my phone. “So long as you stay with Dad and avoid Toni, he’s okay with that. I’ll try and figure out why when I get there. He doesn’t seem to like you.”

“I’m coming with you,” he says, and he runs up the hall to his room.

_ Ugh. This better end well, and hopefully with Toni feeling okay. _


	15. The Carriedo Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi calls Toni's brothers in the hopes of proving Toni's comments and worries wrong, and confirming that they're actually going to come down and visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mentions of abuse. Not described graphically, just mentioned in passing. It's significant but doesn't need too many details.

**_~Lovi~_ **

I got the number from his dad in the hopes that I can confirm whether Matías is actually coming down, but that isn’t the only reason I want to call. I also want to make sure Matías understands the state of mind Toni is in, and the fact that he really needs help but like me with Sebastian he’s too anxious and he’s convinced Matías and his brothers have better things to do. That, and I want to see if Toni is actually right about their reactions to if Toni were to say he worked at a brothel. He seemed to indicate they wouldn’t care at all.

It rings for awhile before he picks up. “Hola,” he greets me, “eso es Matías Carriedo. Cómo puedo ayudar?”

“Hola,” I answer, but that’s the extent of my Spanish. “My name is Lovino, I’m friends with your brother Toni.”

“Oh,” he laughs. “It’s Toni’s friend,” he tells someone over his shoulder.

“I talked to Toni,” he says.

“I know. That’s part of why I’m calling. That, and some of the things he’s said to me are concerning.”

“Like what?”

“I’ll get to that in a minute. Are you actually coming here?”

“Yeah. We’re actually in line at the airport right now.”

“Good. He got really excited about just the thought of seeing you again.”

He laughs, and this laugh is more shy and warm. “Yeah.”

“Is Jesús with you?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Okay. I have a question, and this is based off of me and something Toni said about my brother Sebastian after he called to tell him about this whole thing.”

“Okay…”

I breathe. “If you were to hear that Toni was working at a brothel from a friend, how would you react? He seemed to indicate you would care, but…”

I drift off. Matías splutters a bit. “Wh-what? I-I’d…I’d probably panic?”

“Okay, what about Jesús?”

He clears his throat. “Jesús?”

“Sí?”

“Um…this is a strange question, but it’s from something Toni told Lovi. How would you react if a friend of Toni’s called to tell you Toni was working at a brothel and he or she had met him there?”

Jesús chokes and splutters, too. “Wh-what? What kind of a question is that?”

“Just answer the question.”

“I-I…I don’t fucking know. I’d probably freak.”

“Okay, ask if he’d hang up on them,” I tell Matías.

Matías makes a sound of protest. “None of us would just—”

“Just ask. I want to hear it from him.”

Matías sighs. “Would you just hang up on them?”

Jesús is quiet for a minute. “No. Why would I do that? I’d have a lot of questions they could probably answer. First and foremost, how fucking long has that been going on.”

Matías breathes. “Okay. Why are you asking?”

“Because Toni said Jesús and probably Andrés would hang up, and that they wouldn’t care.”

“What?” he exclaims.

“What?” Jesús asks curiously.

“Toni told him you and Andrés would just hang up and wouldn’t care,” Matías tells him.

“What gave him that impression?” Jesús demands.

“Well, I mean, with all the times you sneered at him over being bi and all the times you refused to acknowledge him I could see him getting that,” Matías points out slyly. “But Andrés just works so much he doesn’t have the time to spare for him.”

I’m guessing Jesús stares at him open-mouthed for a minute. Matías tells him to shut his mouth and suck it up, because he brought that on himself.

He sighs and turns back to me. “Okay, what else did he say that was concerning?”

“He made the comment that he tries to help people because if they feel okay then he feels mostly okay. It’s actually a sentiment we share.

But with—in his words—his brothers and mom still off in la-la land believing he can be or needs to be fixed, he’ll never be entirely okay. I heard from my brother he’s usually loud and outgoing and kind,” here I start to pace, “but he’s been quiet and jumpy lately.”

Matías is quiet for awhile. “Jesús.”

“What?” Jesús responds.

“Do you think Toni needs to be fixed?”

“What? No.”

“He seems to think you do.”

“He seems to trust you,” I tell Matías, “but his mom and his other two brothers both he had complaints about.”

“Well, I can see him complaining about Mom,” Matías agrees. “She was a  _ bitch _ to him. She told him he was a worthless mistake with room to fuck up and she kept trying to conversion-therapy ‘ _ fix _ ’ him or whatever. I understand him hating her. But Andrés was just busy.”

“He seemed to indicate that he was alright, but only when he had the time for him. I get the feeling he wanted to spend a lot more time with him than he did.”

“I wouldn’t blame him if he did,” Matías sighs. “I do, too. He’s still the same.”

“What’re you talking about?” Jesús asks Matías.

“Andrés working too much,” Matías answers him.

“Oh. Yeah. He could use some time off work.”

“So could you,” Matías fires back. “I’ve hardly seen you in the last two weeks.”

Jesús grumbles. Matías sighs. “Sorry. It’s a bit tense. We usually avoid talking about Toni because it makes it hurt less and it makes it easier. We just lash out at each other if we try.”

“Maybe if Toni were there to butt in it would make things easier.”

“That’s what I’m hoping—that, and finding out what the hell ‘ _ Spain was hell _ ’ means.”

“Oh, I am more than aware of that,” I laugh tensely, laying a hand on a nearby tree to breathe for a moment, “but I have a feeling he’d prefer to tell you himself.”

“At least give me something. A name, an incident, something.”

“Abuelo Antonio y Tío Fernández kept coming up. I don’t know everything; he was drunk. But I know a lot because he’s a talkative drunk. He made the mention that he goes by another name because he hates that he’s named after them. He called them abusive.”

“Abuelo Antonio y Tío Fernández said they missed him recently,” Matías protests.

“They beat him and raped him, so I’d suggest not letting them near him.”

“Christ,” he mutters.

“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain,” Jesús snaps.

“Toni’s been getting beaten and raped, and that’s what concerns you?” Matías snaps back. “No wonder he thinks you hate him.”

I wince. Jesús clears his throat. “What?”

“Abuelo Antonio y Tío Fernández were hurting Toni,” he says, “and regularly.”

“Oh,” Jesús mutters. “I thought it was just me.”

“ _ What? _ ”

Matías’ voice breaks this time. Jesús flinches. “I-I thought it was just me. I didn’t realize they did it to him, too. Being a priest has gotten them to back way off, but—”

“ _ Why didn’t you tell me? _ ” Matías demands, and I swear I hear him start to cry.

Jesús grumbles. “I tried to tell Andrés but he said he was busy and to fuck off. I tried telling Mom but she didn’t believe me. I tried reaching out to Dad but he didn’t pick up the phone. I didn’t think you’d care; we were never close.”

If Matías wasn’t crying before, he is now. I think he punches Jesús, too, but not hard enough to break or bruise anything—Jesús makes some grunting sound. “Of course I care! You’re my little brother, you moron, I care even if I shouldn’t care! You may be an asshole and distant but that doesn’t stop me from loving you!”

Jesús mutters something under his breath. It sounds like he’s complaining.

I breathe out slow. “That’s something Toni didn’t know.”

“I figured,” Matías answers. “I just—sorry, I’m not usually this emotional.”

“No, no, I totally understand. I’m the middle child. I’d be furious if that was happening to Feli and I didn’t know. I did what I did to get out and keep him away from that, and Toni got out to stay away. I completely understand.”

Matías laughs, and this one is choked with tears. “Look, it sounds like Jesús and I need to talk. Is it okay if I give you Andrés’ number and call later?”

“Sure.”

He gives me the number twice through, and I repeat it back just in case. He nods and breathes. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

He hangs up. I breathe and dial Andrés.

“Hola, eso es Andrés Carriedo,” he answers. “What do you want? I’m at work.”

“This is important. Your brother’s mental health is on the line.”

He sighs and sets a pen down. “Alright, alright. What’s going on?”

“What would you do if you heard Toni was working at a brothel and has been for seven years?”

“ _ What? _ What kind of a question is that? Why would he even do that?”

“He said something about you and your brothers and how you’d react. Just answer the question.”

“I don’t know,” he says. “Probably panic and call Dad? What did he say I’d do?”

“He said you’d hang up and not care,” I tell him. “My name is Lovino. Toni is my friend, and I think he’s depressed. I want to help him. I actually have been doing that, and he said if it were him you and Jesús would hang up and not care. I want to prove him wrong.”

“Oh. I wouldn’t do that.”

“Do you think he needs to be fixed?”

“What? Of course not. He’s awesome the way he is.”

“Okay. That’s good. He said with his mom and brothers off in la-la land believing he can be or needs to be fixed he’ll never be okay, but that helping people makes him feel better.”

“Oh. I don’t think he needs to be fixed. Mom does, but she’s a bitch and we don’t talk to her if we can avoid it.”

“Also.”

“What?”

“I called Matías and Jesús. Both of them said they would like to spend more time with you and that you need some time off work. I don’t know that it’s my place to tell you this, but I’m going to anyway: your grandfather Antonio and uncle Fernández have been beating and raping Jesús. That’s what he was trying to tell you. They were doing it to Toni, and that’s one of the reasons he left home.”

He’s quiet for awhile. I breathe. “I’m trying to help Toni feel okay. Matías and Jesús are flying to us to visit Toni and your dad, and to try and figure out what’s wrong. The airport is PDX. You can fly in there and probably, if you’re quick enough, catch Jesús and Matías before they leave the building. I can give you Toni’s number, but you’re going to have to promise not to make him worse.”

I breathe again. “Toni made several comments that he liked you when he could talk to you, but he rarely got the chance—meaning he also wants to spend more time with you. I can’t make you do anything, but your brothers need you.”

He breathes out slow. “PDX?”

“Yeah.”

“Oregon?”

“We’re just across the river in Washington, but yeah that’s the area. PDX is the closest international airport other than Vancouver, Canada.”

“Okay. Can I get that number?”

“Yeah,” I say, “if you promise you won’t make him worse.”

“I promise. I want to help.”

“Okay. Three-six-zero.”

He scribbles on something. “Okay.”

“Six-seven-four.”

“Okay.”

“Four-four-zero-nine. You got that?”

“Yeah. Thank you. Tell them to wait up if you can.”

“Okay.”

He hangs up. I call Matías again.

“Hola?” he answers.

“Hey. It’s Lovino. I called Andrés; you might wanna wait for him.”

“What?”

“He wants to come.”

He clears his throat. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. He told me to ask you to wait up. Also I told him what Jesús was trying to say. He didn’t directly address it but his voice was darker.”

“Okay.”

“Who is it?” Jesús’ crackly voice asks Matías.

“Lovino. He called Andrés; Andrés wants us to wait for him. He knows about Abuelo Antonio y Tío Fernández, too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He thanks me. I tell him Toni will definitely appreciate it, and he hangs up.

_ I knew you were wrong. I knew it. _


End file.
